So, I have given you unnecessary rhetoric of having and not-having. The kisses were melted down and we were/are/will be split by oceans. It is always a mistake to (not) talk. I fall in love with words but they scare me. In such ambivalence of loving/avoiding, I try to position myself in the chaotic (un)desire to say things. I have many bad habits. Two of them are: talking with too brutal honesty, sometimes too gross; and not talking at all, leaving things unsaid. At the end of the day, I am not sure anymore whether they are bad or not. Parcels of life.
I have offered you fantasies and dreams. They were/are too often melancholic. I love sad things; I have said this, no? They are more real and I borrow realism as my own escapism from the world where the real meaning of ‘virtual’ is lost. I am hiding in the parties and celebrations, but I will be in front of the coffins. Death is beautiful and sacred; that’s what we believe in highlands of Toraja. So, I will only drink for glorious despair of life. I will leave all the nice things to others who can make sense more of wild laughter, crazy smiles, and stupid screams.
I have left you smiles, anyway, and dummy wisdoms from the South/North/West/East. When I talk things, most of them are in between too good and too bad. I have been trying to avoid adjectives. That is my newest (ontological) revolution. That is my everyday resistance (along with consumerism, of course). But, I speak up, you know? I like silence and uninterrupted serenity. Yet, I realize that I like them because I try to find words there. So, I can make beautiful sentences from my inner being; from the place where poetic tales/thoughts grow wildly.
(Wageningen, 13 Agustus 2018)